


Coffee

by Anonymous



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Awkward First Times, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mission Trips, Mormon AU, Mormonism, Religious Guilt, durfing, please let me know if you need anything else tagged!, thanks!, theres a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-27 05:02:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20754776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Drinking coffee is a sin. Just like homosexuality. They're pretty much the same! ...Except gay thoughts are harder to ignore.





	1. Alone Together

**Author's Note:**

> i am not mormon! at all!! i just watch an ex-mormon youtuber and his opinions have definitely effected my views? he straight up insists mormonism is a cult and he went through the BITE model to prove it, but the point is that im definitely biased against mormons in my writing of this so if that fucks with you probably dont read it, stay safe gamers!  
also dont send this to anyone who is in the fic i will eat your arms thanks ! u3u!!  
oh one more thing i tagged for the WHOLE thing i have like 5 chapters written rn so youll see more of what i mean later  
OH FUCK and also im stupid and this wasnt my idea the Gang talked ab it in a discord im in im not this Creative tbh

Cody had been waiting years to go on his mission. It felt like the reason he had been born. He could go out and help people and feel as if he had a purpose. No offense to God, but worshiping Him didn't feel like a purpose. This mission did. He could help people see the light and live better lives. _That_ was a purpose.

Of course, sometimes things were difficult on the mission. Never were you allowed a moment alone. You were always instructed to stay with everyone, and at first Cody didn't intend on breaking the rule... But it was a little annoying. Everyone needed time alone sometimes, but that definitely wasn't happening. Not here.

At least he was on this trip with Noel. It may not have been completely alone, but with Noel he was alone enough. It didn't feel like Noel was always watching him, constantly scrutinizing him for any wrong doing. Noel just let him be, so Cody did the same for him. It always felt as if they were doing each other a favor, since everyone else was always breathing down each others necks. 

Noel always said the rule was in place because they had to keep tabs on each other. Make sure none of the others were sinning. He always said things like that with such contempt, but Cody didn't understand why that was such a bad thing. They were helping each other in that way, right?

Noel would always shrug, "Maybe." He would say, unsure if he agreed or not. 

Cody never put too much thought into the way Noel sounded when speaking on faith with him especially. He didn't like the idea of Noel leaving the church. He was Cody's only _real_ friend. Or so it seemed. Everyone else was so distrusting, but Noel was different. Cody wasn't sure he would be able to handle it if Noel left. Not that he would. He believed just like Cody did. 

Late one night Cody had intended on getting to sleep earlier than the other missionaries. It was a thinly veiled attempt to be alone for an hour or two, but no one was about to let him. 

Colin shakes his head at the request, "No, you should stay with us. We're supposed to stay together."

"It's okay," Noel pipes up, his hand placed on Colin's shoulder to ease him. "I can go with him."

Colin stares at Noel, eyes narrow with suspicion. Noel just looks back at him, his gaze unwavering with a secret message within it for only Colin to understand. Cody tried to decipher it from across the room, but Noel's eyes held a lot of unlocked secrets Cody was never able to decode. 

Colin seems to get it though, and eventually lightens up. "Okay. Just stay with each other."

"Thanks, Colin." Noel pats Colin's shoulder and passes him by to stand next to Cody. "Ready to head back?"

Cody just nods. Only slightly disappointed that he wasn't alone. _Really_ alone. As much as he loved Noel's company there was only so much he could take. 

They walk back to their living quarters. All the beds were in one big room, sort of like a bunker. It felt as if they were soldiers, doing God's work. Noel said it was more like a prison, and Cody was beginning to see what he meant.

At the beginning of the trip they had chosen beds that were next to each other. It allowed for late night conversations that sometimes devolved into fits of suppressed laughter while the rest of the mission was asleep. Colin, whose bed laid next to Noel's, had only caught them once. As far as Cody knew, Colin hadn't mentioned the event to anyone else. Colin and Noel were close anyway, Cody was fairly sure Colin wouldn't throw Noel under the bus like that.

"Sorry, man. I knew they wouldn't let you go alone, but it's better than being with everyone." Noel slumps onto his bed, unbuttoning his shirt with his back to Cody.

Cody couldn't help but stare. Noel was slender and his shoulder blades were sharp. His shoulders held a tension Cody wanted to help rid of. His fingers pressed against Noel's skin. An innocent act. Just to help Noel relax. He would do the same for Cody, wouldn't he?

Cody was so caught up in his thoughts he almost forgets to respond. When Noel turns to look at him Cody remembers. "That's okay, I don't mind. Being with just you is infinitely better than being with everyone."

Noel smirks. "Glad you think so." He rummages through his bag to find a t-shirt and Cody watches. Staring at his bare arms and chest as he did.

Eventually, he pulls his eyes away and starts undressing himself as quickly as he can. It was always awkward to dress in front of Noel, but he couldn't place what it was about it that made it different..

Once they're both in t-shirts and sweatpants they slip into their beds and easy conversation. They eventually fall into topics that they wouldn't dare delve into with the others present. 

"Coffee smells so good. I've always wondered what it tastes like."

Cody shrugs. "It's a sin. We can't."

Noel rolls his eyes, a bitterness Cody had heard plenty of times from him crept its way into his voice. "Yeah, but who doesn't sin? Masturbation is a sin but I..." Noel's eyes widen as he realizes what he had said. Cody was far too easy to talk to. "Wait. I mean-- I didn't--" Noel rushes to explain but Cody cuts him off.

"It's okay. I've... done that, too." It was true, Cody did masturbate from time to time, but it was always shame filled and disgusted. He hated sinning like that. God wouldn't have wanted him to, but it just... felt good. Cody couldn't help it. 

Noel rolls over to his side, propping himself up with his arm. The lack of light makes his eyes look nearly black, but they didn't seem empty. The familiar warmth Cody loved was still present even in the darkness of this unforgiving room. "You've sinned before?" Noel laughs, "I guess there's no hope for the rest of us then."

Cody smiles. "I'm not proud of it...but it gets really hard to wait."

"Yeah..." Noel doesn't say anything for a moment or two. He simply stares at Cody, his brows furrowed in thought. He seemed to be in the midst of a decision. Cody just lets him think, looking back at Noel with the patience of a saint. "There are ways to make the wait easier."

Cody wasn't going to lie, Noel had him interested, but there was something about it that made him uneasy. "Are they sinful?"

Noel shrugs, "The bible doesn't say anything about it, so I'd say no."

Cody liked the way that sounded. "Okay, how?"

"Do you want me to show you?" Noel's voice drops an octave and Cody feels his breath hitch in excitement.

He nods.

Noel slinks over to Cody's bed, and straddles him. Their hips aligned, but not touching. They are millimeters apart and Cody couldn't handle the tension. Cody understood what he was going to do, he had heard a couple other mission boys talk about it. Durfing, if Cody remembered correctly. It had seemed idiotic before, how could grinding against someone else help rid of the urge to sin? He had thought.

But now? This was a different situation entirely.

This was with Noel.

It almost meant more that way. 

He could tell Noel was forcing himself to stay controlled, it was impressive. Cody's hips had already nearly bucked up to grind into Noel more than once. Cody had always been more controlled than Noel when making sure he didn't sin, but this wasn't a sin. Cody had nothing to worry about this time.

"You okay?" Noel murmurs, his voice low and just for Cody.

Cody nods. "Were you going to show me, or what?"

Noel bites his bottom lip and smirks. His eyes were half lidded and Cody wasn't sure why he had never let himself notice how attractive Noel was before now. "Impatient, huh?" Then he finally lowers his hips to grind into Cody.

Cody was unprepared for the rush of pleasure, he bites back a quiet moan. "Woah... Noel--" He throws his head back into the pillow, clawing at the sheets beneath him. His breathing quickens and he feels light headed. It was all so much. Was Noel sure this wasn't a sin? This felt way too good for it to be holy. Or... maybe this was what heaven felt like.

"Yeah? Feels good, huh?" Noel says, teasing him even now. His voice had taken a different tone entirely, though. It was lower than usual, more masculine and attractive in all the... right ways?

"I'm sorry." He whispers. A prayer that almost felt meaningless. In the moment, Cody found he wasn't sorry at all, but knew that maybe he should be. Perhaps it wasn't a sin, but with a man? Was it different with a man? Noel didn't seem to mind. 

Noel was clearly enjoying this himself, his moans breathy and soft. Cody liked the way he sounded. What would his name sound like coming from those lips of his? Would it sound like a prayer? Thrown up to the sky in desperation? Cody almost liked the thought, but then reminds himself even in the midst of his act that he was only human. Wanting to be worshiped like God had to have been a sin. He doesn't take long to forget this thought, the pleasure was becoming too much to bear. "Noel-- I'm going to--"

Noel instantly eases up, he looks dissatisfied but doesn't say anything about it. Instead he looks down at Cody, catching his breath for a moment before asking, "Are you okay?"

Cody nods, just as breathless as Noel. "Better than okay." Cody wants to touch Noel. He wants to run his hands over Noel's chest, but he suppresses the desire. "Thanks for showing me."

"No problem, I'll always be here if you need me." Noel smiles, and then slips off of Cody's bed and gets back into his own, pulling the covers over his body. He turns over, his back facing Cody.

Cody was glad for the privacy, but he also suddenly felt trapped in his own mind. The regret and shame started to rush in after Noel was as gone as he could be. Was he positive what they had done wasn't wrong? Cody wasn't. And that was what scared him. At least with masturbating he was positive it was wrong. He knew how to feel after. They had told him how to feel like they always had. But this time there was no guidance. Cody wasn't sure he liked that.

He pulls his covers to his chin and stares at the ceiling, lost in thought, forgetting that he was supposed to be asleep when the lights turn on. The rest of the mission was back. Cody quickly turns over onto his belly, shoving his face in his pillow, pretending to be asleep. The low murmur of voices fills the room, but stays quiet. They all knew Cody and Noel were... supposed to be sleeping, and as far as they knew they were. 

Cody tries his best to go to sleep, but then he hears Colin. 

"Noel?"

Noel who had supposedly been asleep responds, "Yeah?"

"Did things go okay back here?"

Cody hears the rustling of fabric, and then Noel's voice a bit more clearly. He had most likely gotten up. "Yeah, they went fine. Why?"

A pause. Hesitation. "Just curious. Your face looks really red. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. It's just a bit hot in here."

Colin hesitates again. There was a sense of disbelief that even Cody could pick up on. "Maybe just use the sheets then."

"Maybe." Noel says, and Cody hears rustling of fabric again. The conversation was over.

Eventually the whispers and murmurs die down and everyone seemed to be asleep but Cody. He was wide awake, the nights events running through his mind. All the other mission boys had mentioned durfing with girlfriends, not best friends. Cody couldn't help but feel uneasy with how pure the act had been. He felt dirty, but it had also been so _good_. Noel had been _good_. Better than anything Cody had felt before. Was it Noel? Did Noel make things good, or was it just the act?

Cody remembers the way Noel's bare back looked as his shirt slid down his shoulders. He remembers the way Noel looked on top of him. He remembers the way hew wished Noel would say his name. 

_Oh no..._


	2. Thanks for Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch isn't just lunch when you've caught feelings for someone you're not supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh good im glad i decided to post this :) very cool i really love that for me  
i know i wrote the sex scene to be awkward on purpose and it makes it sort of endearing yet sad in context  
but also i still hate it and will pass away at its mention  
its a big plot point but honestly i should have done us all a favor and just implied it instead

Over the years Cody and Noel become terribly close. Sinfully close. Everytime they had a moment alone together it was tense and heated and _good_. No feelings were ever discussed, it was always a silent agreement. Anytime either of them needed relief they could rely on the other.

Until they couldn't. 

Noel was left behind. 

Cody finds a wife and no longer needs him. Clearly he has the outlet he needs now, since he has a couple of kids. William and Samantha, ages 2 and 4.

Noel on the other hand was stuck on his own. 

His parents had always poked and prodded at him. Trying their best to spur him to find a wife.

"There's this lovely girl who works down at the market, why don't you try and talk to her?" His mother suggested various women sometimes, he had rejected all of the women she knew and was widening her range to strangers she knew were Latter-Day Saints.

His father wasn't much better, but at least he didn't offer up random women. Instead he always scolded Noel for being so picky. "You'll have to settle down someday. It's God's will."

Noel had become used to tuning them out and after a point they had stopped bringing it up. There was a short period when they had left him alone about it. A tense and unbearable time. They had something to say, and Noel knew that, but they didn't seem to want to say it. Noel decided not to mount it. If they had something to say they would.

And they did. 

Over dinner one sunday night.

"Noel... We've noticed that you haven't taken to any of the women in the church." His mother started slowly, glancing to his father every so often as if she were asking to jump in.

He gets the idea. "But you have been really close with Cody."

Noel feels nauseous. "What are you trying to say?"

"Are you..." His mother trails off, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

His father cuts in. Far less emotional about the situation, he sounded more angry than anything. "Are you gay?" 

Noel wasn't sure how to react. If he acted disgusted would that be over compensating? If he were nonchalant would he be seen as lying? He wasn't lying. He swears. He wasn't gay. "No! Why would you think that?"

His mother sighs a breath of relief and laughs. "Of course not, baby. We just...wanted to make sure. There are rumors going around and we needed to hear the truth from you."

His father seemed less convinced. He stared at Noel intensely and Noel pretended not to notice. But the cruel, unforgiving gaze was hard to ignore. His face felt hot and his stomach churned in guilt.

He wasn't gay.

Women were attractive. 

It was just hard to notice that when Cody always seemed to look so much better--

No. He didn't see Cody like that. It was a sin.

He wasn't gay.

He laughs along with his mother, trying to suppress his sinful thinking. Eventually his father joins in too and the tension subsided.

They finish up dinner and Noel heads back to his apartment that he shared with Colin, who, with any luck, would be asleep by the time Noel got back. He had no desire to speak to Colin. Not now. Noel's mind was filled with shame and regret and _jealousy_. 

He wanted to be able to feel the way he did without guilt. He wanted to be with Cody for real, not in an unspoken way where feelings meant nothing. But he couldn't. God didn't want it that way. 

God wanted Noel to suffer.

Days later he had nearly forgotten about his feelings entirely. He had successfully repressed them again. Well enough to be able to have Cody over to his place for lunch. Colin was gone and it was just the two of them.

And there was nothing wrong with that. They were just two friends having lunch. 

Noel ignores the way Cody's fingers twirled his silverware in an oddly graceful way. He ignores the endearing contented hums as he eats. He ignores the way his eyes brightened everytime he spoke of his children and how well they were doing in school.

Noel was coming undone. The barrier behind which he hid his feelings was always weaker when he was with Cody. Especially when they were alone.

He abruptly breaks a natural lull in conversation. "Do you remember the mission trip?"

Cody tilts his head. He looks a bit confused. "Yes. How could I forget?"

Noel smiles. "Yeah, a lot happened there."

Cody nods and opens his mouth as if to recount an event, but Noel speaks first.

"Do you remember that night you tried to head back alone?"

"But you came with, so they would let me go." Cody puts down his fork. "Yeah. I remember."

"You remember what happened after?"

"Yes."

"Is it a good memory?"

Cody hesitates, his eyes darting around the room before they fall on Noel again. He nods.

"And all the times after? We did that more than once, do you remember those times, too?"

"Yes. I remember. Every time. They were all good."

Noel wasn't sure what he was doing. He didn't know why he was bringing this up. He always pretended as if those moments had never happened. It helped him feel less... jealous. If they had always _just_ been friends and nothing even slightly more there would be no reason to be jealous. "Good. I'm glad. You done with your plate?"

Cody nods and Noel takes it from him to place it in the sink. "Thanks." He says, his face bright red.

"No problem."

Eventually they find themselves on the couch watching an awful comedy movie. Neither of them were paying too much attention to it, their focus was on the way their thighs touched just barely and the way if Noel moved his arm just a bit it would be around Cody's shoulder.

"Do you ever regret what we did together?" Cody asks.

Noel hadn't anticipated the conversation continuing, but he has an answer straight away. "Nah. No way. It was--"

"Good."

Noel smirks, "Yeah. Do you regret it?"

Cody doesn't answer as quickly. "Would you be mad if I did?"

"No."

Cody doesn't say it aloud, but Noel understands. It wasn't Cody's fault that he felt that way. It was the church, and for the first time in a long time Noel felt bitterness. An anger he had learned to forget about. A hatred he ignored.

In his younger days, he always felt a spark of rebellion. He always felt a resentment toward his faith that shackled him down and didn't let him do as he wished. It had been a long time since he has felt it, but he was almost glad it was back. He knew he would regret the feelings later, he always did, that was what they wanted. But in the moment? He couldn't imagine wanting to feel any other way.

"If we went back, and you could change what we did, would you?" 

Cody hesitates again. "No. No, I wouldn't."

"If you didn't have a wife, would we still be doing it?"

Cody smashes his lips onto Noel's. The tension too much for him to bear.

Noel kisses him back hard, as if his life depended on it. And for a moment it felt as if it did. He had been repressing all of these feelings for so long letting it all spill over felt perfect. 

Cody pulls away for a split second, tugging Noel to his bedroom. They discard clothes as soon as they enter, skin presses against skin and it feels natural, raw and _good_. Better than either of them had felt in a long time.

Noel had never done this before. He was still regrettably a virgin. And in a way, Cody was too. This was a new experience for the both of them and they fumbled through it together.

Noel kneels in front of Cody's naked form, running his hands down his body as he did. Cody's head was thrown back in pleasure as soon as Noel takes Cody and licks up his shaft.

"Put it in your mouth..." Cody says, shuttering in pleasure.

Noel complies taking it all into his mouth. He gags and pops off. 

"You don't have to put it all the way in. Just what you can handle."

Noel nods and puts Cody's dick back in his mouth, licking the tip as he does. His teeth accidentally graze skin as he bobs his head up and down. Cody hisses. "No teeth."

"Sorry," Noel murmurs, then goes right back. His methods were that of a novice, but he eventually gets the hang of it. He gauges Cody's reactions to the different techniques he invents along the way and before long Cody is moaning his name.

"Stop, oh... I'm gonna--"

Noel complies, getting up off the ground with a smile. "How'd I do?"

Cody kisses him. "Horribly. You'll need to work on that."

"I know you liked it. At least a little." 

Cody doesn't answer him. "Do you have lube?"

Noel shakes his head. "Sorry, man."

"What about olive oil? That's a replacement I think."

"You're sure that's safe?"

"Do we really care?"

Noel had forgotten that this was a spur of the moment decision. One that he knew deep down Cody would regret, but they were both loving it now. That's what Noel would focus on. So he laughs, "Nah." And heads into the kitchen and grabs the oil.

When he comes back, he presses a kiss to Cody's chest. "You on top?"

Cody nods, "Yeah." 

Noel hands the oil to Cody, who promptly slathers it all over himself and Noel watches from the bed with his legs spread. Once slicked up, Cody lines himself up with Noel. "Ready?"

Noel nods eagerly. "Just go."

So Cody does. He thrusts his hips forward slowly, but Noel cries out in pain before he can get to far in. "Sorry!"

"It's okay. I don't think it'll go in, I think I have to loosen up first."

Cody nods. "Okay." He pours more oil onto his fingers and slips one inside Noel. It doesn't go in easy, his fingers were a bit thicker which made things difficult, but all the more pleasurable for Noel who was already a moaning mess.

"Put another one in."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Please just--" He is cut off by Cody putting another finger inside him with some diffculty. He moans shamelessly. "Oh... Cody..."

Cody takes a few moments with just two in Noel, he thrusts in and out a couple times before deciding he was ready for a third finger. He puts it in without a prompt and Noel yelps. "Sorry."

"It's okay." He breathes heavily, stifiling moans to ask, "Do you think I'm ready yet?"

"One more. And I think so." 

"Hurry up. I need you."

Cody smiles, his fourth finger thrusts into Noel who responds with a moan. Cody was beginning to get just as fed up as Noel was. After years of tension and waiting, neither of them wanted to wait anymore.

Cody gets up and lines up his hips again. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, please just put it in."

Cody does, and this time he makes it in. Noel was tight around Cody and it took everything he had not to let go immediately. It was all so much, seeing Noel lying beneath him like this. It was ecstacy. 

He finds his pace and Noel moans, demanding more and more and more. "Go faster. Harder." Noel wanted it rough and good, and Cody was more than happy to provide for him.

He speeds up, and finds Noel's sweet spot hitting it over and over and over again. "I'm gonna cum! Don't stop!"

"Oh... Noel, I can't hold back!"

"Don't, cum in me!"

Then the door opens. 

There was no knock that preceded it.

There was no chance to save themselves. 

Colin sees them in the midst of the act. "Oh my goodness." His hand flies to his mouth, his eyes widened in surprise and fear. 

Cody pulls out of Noel in a panic, cum dripping from him. He snatches a shirt from the floor and covers himself with it, red with shame.

"Colin!" Noel snaps, he sounded angry and terrified at the same time. His voice wavered as he yells, "Get out!"

Colin leaves without another word. 

Cody was getting redressed in a rush. He clearly didnt have any intention of staying any longer. His faces was bright red and he looked as if he were going to throw up.

"Cody, wait. Please."

"I messed up so bad. I shouldn't have done that. We shouldn't have done that" He doesn't dare look at Noel as he heads for the door. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this... I shouldn't have come over. I'm so sorry."

"Cody!"

"Thank you for lunch. I'll... see you during service." And then he was gone.

Leaving Noel alone again.


	3. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had been so close. Noel had almost gotten everything he ever dreamed of, but Cody slipped through his fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) ab the summary  
also this chapter ? kinda slaps  
no flex, but the last line made me nut when i wrote it so thats that on that  
uhhh i really need to finish chapter five bc holy shit if im gonna post one a day from now on im fucked

Noel tried to convince Colin not to say anything. He begged Colin to just leave it alone. It was just a one time thing and Noel was certain it wouldn't happen again. He would repent, he promised, but don't tell the bishop. If the bishop knew so would everyone else.

His parents would disown him, his friends would abandon him and the church would turn his back on him until it was clear he changed his ways. Despite all that, Noel knew that he would be able to bounce back.

He wasn't a church favorite, but Cody was.

Cody had committed adultery. Adultery with a _man_. He had two children who would be told their father was a disgusting sinner who was definitely going to hell. Things between his wife and him would be tense, she may even hate him.

And it was all Noel's fault.

His lust had spilled over and he couldn't help himself. He had never meant to get Cody in trouble. He had never meant to ruin his life, he just wanted to feel good with _Cody_ and no one else.

But he'd never get to again it seemed.

Colin had told the bishop.

Noel had been on his knees, but Colin had brushed him off, "Noel, you know I can't keep quiet with this one. I've stayed silent for you on too much. If you don't repent for this you'll go to hell. I can't let that happen." 

Noel knew Colin meant the best by it, but somewhere in him a flame was lit.

_If God was good why would he deem something that felt holy wrong?_

Noel had always been one to question the way things were in the church, but it was still difficult to break the barriers of indoctrination. He had been raised on these ideals since birth, and he had doubted them sometimes. But he always felt an intense shame when he did. It was wrong to doubt the word of God.

Or so he once believed.

By Sunday's service Noel and Cody had been outed by the bishop. The whispers and murmurs would have been too much to bear if Noel had been listening. His focus was soully on Cody, who was sitting as far away from Noel as possible. His family was clearly in the loop, his wife seemed angry but unsurprised. Cody looked miserable, but sat through the service best he could.

After it was over, Cody was called back with the Bishop. His family trailed after him and they all disappeared into a place in the church Noel had never been before. He watches them go with a heavy heart. Anything that happened to Cody was ultimately Noel's fault, and Noel would do anything to save him.

He feels a tap on the shoulder. He turns to find his parents. They looked mortified. Noel didn't have any desire to speak to them. He just wanted to go home and forget about today, but now he was stuck. He was going to have to talk to them.

"Hey."

"Noel. You _lied_ to us." His father scolded him. "We could have helped you figure out how to get _fixed_."

"We love you so much, Noel. Why couldn't you have told us? We're your parents, you're supposed to trust us to help you with these _things_. We could have stopped _it_ before it had gotten this far." His mother held a stern tone, she was just as upset as his father.

Noel felt a sudden burst of anger. "What if there was nothing to be fixed?"

They both looked shocked, his mother lowers her voice so none of the other lingering church attendees could hear. "Oh my word! Noel, don't you say things like that!"

His anger simmers, but he does his best to keep his mouth shut.

"God would have never wanted this path for you. We need to get you back on track or you're going to hell."

Noel stays silent and lets them lecture him. There was an anger at the entire situation, but at the same time a certain sympathy for what they were trying to do. He was angry he felt that way. Sympathy felt disgusting when they were trying to change him.

He knew he was supposed to be guilty. He knew he was supposed to want to repent, but those feelings seemed so small now. He hadn't realized that slowly over the years, he had stopped caring what the church thought. He had stopped caring about hell and the path he was on. He had finally snapped. He was done. He wasn't repenting. He wasn't going to fix himself. He was leaving. 

Noel's attention is called for by the bishop's son, who was almost too busy kissing his father's _ass_ to summon Noel. 

He smiles wryly at the thought, but then turns back to his parents who had paused the lecture. "I have to go." Noel states, and turns on his heel without another word. His parents watch him go arm in arm with a certain regret that they didn't raise him correctly. Where had they gone wrong? They would certainly keep their son in their prayers tonight. 

He is told to wait by a door Noel hadn't known existed until now. Cody's children were sat nearby, the bishop's son keeping them entertained as things heated up behind the door. Noel could hear Cody on the other side of it, the walls paper thin so Noel could hear every word.

"It was all a mistake." Each word that Cody said stung. "I would never do anything like that again." Like pouring salt into a fresh cut. "I will do anything to be seen as good in the eyes of God again." Or perhaps a pain greater than that.

Like a knife to the heart.

Noel knew that Cody would have wanted to stay in the church. He had a wife and kids. He was meant to be perfectly happy that way. And Noel _knew_ that. Or at least he thought he did. Hearing it out loud shouldn't have hurt this much, but it did. It hurt more than hell would. He may as well have already been there.

After that he had stopped listening. He didn't want to hear anymore. 

Samantha, the elder of the two children playing nearby, spins over to Noel. "Uncle Noel!" She grins and makes a grabbing motion, signaling that she wanted to be picked up.

He smiles. "Hey, kid." He says, lifting her up and spinning her around. "How was church today?"

She laughs. "Good! Songs are fun to sing!!"

"Yeah? I'm glad you had fun."

The bishop's son doesn't move to stop the interaction, but he was staring at Noel with an intense suspicion. Noel ignores it, watching as William toddles over to Noel. He puts Samantha down and gets on his knees. "You wanna hang with Uncle Noel, too?" He picks up William and spins him around too. 

"Uncle Noel! Uncle Noel!" The children laugh as they all play and so does Noel, just for a moment forgetting what he was here for. 

And then the door opens. 

Cody looks as if he were about to cry, and his wife looks angry and upon seeing Noel with her children flares up protectively.

She storms over and snatches William from his arms, which causes a wail of alarm from the child. "No! I wanna play with uncle Noel!"

"You can't. We're going home." She glares at Noel as she turns to leave, "Come on, Samantha." The little girl who had been clinging to Noel's leg waves goodbye sadly and trails after her mother.

Cody does the same, walking past Noel to go. He glances back only once and catches Noel's eye. They look at each other for only a second but within that glance was so much. Regret, shame, longing... love? Maybe. Noel wouldn't get to find out.

"Noel. Inside." The bishop says, his tone unkind and demanding.

Noel feels that same resistant flame he felt when he was talking to his parents earlier, and it only grew with every step he took.

Inside the room is a desk and a couple of chairs, it looks as if it were meant to be a conference room. It was an odd room to have in a church, but there was a lot the leaders never broadcasted about the church. It always rubbed Noel the wrong way but he suppressed suspicions.

Until now of course. He scrutinized everything about the room. It seemed so disconnected from anything religious that it definitely didn't belong in a church. 

They both sit on opposite sides of the table. As soon as they are both seated the bishop begins to speak. "Noel. You have committed a grave sin. We are allowing you to speak to a council and then we will decide what actions we will take."

_Allowing_ him? "What if I don't?"

"What?"

"What if I don't want to?"

"You'll most likely be excommunicated. Son, you don't have the highest standing in this church. If you don't show up to the concil meeting it will be in poor taste to those on it." He said that as if he weren't clearly on the council.

"Don't call me that." Noel snaps. He was tired of being talked down to. He was tired of being shameful all the time. He was tired of the church and everything it stood for.

The bishop looks mortified. "Boy, I will not be talked to as such!"

Noel ignores him. "I'm not going to the meeting, and I won't be coming back. Don't expect to see me anywhere but in hell." He stands abruptly and leaves without another word.

The bishop tried yelling a comeback or two as Noel left, but it was clear anything he said meant nothing to Noel.

Noel had won, but the second he gets to his car he breaks down. His entire life had been routed in this church and he had just abandoned it. Where could he go now?

Home. 

He goes home.

If it could even be considered that anymore. He lived there with a man who had a hand in the destruction of any respect people had for him, but at the same time Noel knew Colin had good intentions. He was in the same place Noel had been, indoctrinated since birth and told that homosexuality was a sin. Especially acting on those feelings.

Noel had felt for Colin, but at the same time he was angry. Unbelievably angry that Colin could stand to do something like that. Especially to Cody. 

Cody was in a worse place than Noel was and that was what made things worse. Despite Noel being excommunicated and being at a loss of what to do, Cody being angry with him may have been the worse part.

Had Noel just kept his lust to himself maybe Cody and him would still be on speaking terms. They would be sitting on the couch watching his kids play while his wife makes dinner. They would talk about anything and everything. Things would be normal. Things would be fine.

But the more Noel considered it? The less Noel wanted it.

He didn't want to suppress his feelings anymore. He wanted to feel love and be loved. He liked the way it felt to be hot and bothered beneath Cody's touch. He liked the way it felt to have had Cody deep inside him. He felt shame, but regret? Not anymore.

The church wanted him to regret it, but he wouldn't. The church didn't own him anymore.

_Fuck the church. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bars


	4. For the First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunited for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turns out i have chapter 5 done, its 6 that im supposed to be worried about and honestly im almost done now so never mind its literally fine i can post everyday  
i,,, dont have anymore notes! good for yall, you dont have to read them asdjklfhaklsdh

Noel moved out of the apartment he shared with Colin. The pair stayed in touch for only so long before Colin finally stopped trying to reconvert him. Noel tried not to miss him. 

He got a new job, too. Programming. It was going fairly well and if he continued at this rate he might get a pay raise. 

Things were still rough outside of the church. To abandon his family and every one he had ever known was difficult, but he knew it would be the best thing for him. 

After a few months, Noel had finally been able to forget about the guilt of having sex with a man. He hooked up with plenty of people after that. It didn't matter anymore. He wasn't suffocating under the impending doom of going to hell. If hell existed, he was going down for good reason. He was going to have fun while he was alive even if it killed him.

It was the most freeing experience to be outside of the church. The things he got to see and learn. There was so much that had been hidden in plain sight that Noel got to know now. He had found himself out here and there was no where else he would rather be.

The only regret he had was leaving Cody behind.

After all this time, he still had love left for Cody. He knew it would be better to move on. He knew that clinging on like this wasn't good for him, but he couldn't help it. Cody meant too much for too many years for him to let go now. Especially when he was allowing himself to feel anything. He had been suppressing his feelings for Cody for so long that now that he didn't have to, he let them simmer. 

Noel didn't let the emotions take over his life, but he did let himself feel more than he ever had before. That was what mattered.

Noel found that once he saw Cody again it was more difficult than ever to keep his emotions under wraps.

He had been working on personal projects, when Cody had sat at a table next to Cody's at the restaurant Noel had chosen to camp out at.

Noel noticed instantly. He wanted to say something, anything, to get Cody to look in his direction. But... There was a good chance Cody would be mad at him. Or never want to see him again. It was understandable, but Noel hated the thought.

They had been close for so long. Noel missed it.

Luckily, Noel didn't have to do anything. Cody noticed all on his own. "Noel?"

"Hey. It's been a while." Noel barely gets the words out, his speech stiff and awkward.

"Yeah. It has." Cody looks at Noel with an expectant gaze, as if asking him to continue the conversation.

Which was a bad idea. Noel wanted to know what happened to Cody after he left the church, but he didn't want to reopen the wound. He does anyway, curiosity getting the best of him. "Is... everything okay?"

Cody shrugs. He looks exhausted and sad. "Depends on what you mean by okay."

Noel didn't even know. "Can I sit with you?" Cody nods, so Noel slides into the seat across from him. "Your wife. Did things get better with her after I left?"

"We divorced."

Noel winces. Divorce wasn't a great look to the church, or "the eyes of God," as they liked to tell you. "That's rough. I'm sorry to hear." 

Cody responds with a shrug. "It's okay. I still get to see Sam and Will once a month. And on holidays, too."

"Once a _month_?" 

"It's all the church is allowing." 

"That's _bullshit_."

Cody flinches, unused to such language, which Noel notices, but doesn't apologize for. Cody shakes off his surprised. "I'm a bad influence. If I see the kids they might turn... you know."

"Gay."

Cody nods, his face hot with shame.

Noel sighs, he had so much he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Cody that maybe it was okay. To be gay. The adultery was wrong. Noel never intended to excuse that, but the feelings that led to it were real. He wanted to tell Cody that, but with the way he had been reacting to the conversation he was still indoctrinated. He still believed wholeheartedly in the church and Noel had no desire to force his thoughts on Cody when he was clearly in a bad place. "Did they offer you a council, too?"

"Yes."

"How did it go?"

"I was excommunicated. My wife didn't want me to be a part of the church anymore, she helped convince them to..."

Noel missed when they could talk about lighthearted things. When they didn't have to catch up because they never left each other's sides. Noel wanted that back. "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. I'm sorry I even brought it up."

"It's okay. I've wanted to know what happened to you after you disappeared. Makes sense you'd want to know about me."

Noel didn't understand why Cody wasn't more upset with him. He had a hand in wrecking his life. His marriage was destroyed, he couldn't see his kids and his faith had kicked him to the curb. He hadn't been able to get back on his feet since, and it was Noel's doing. He wanted to make it up to Cody, but he had no idea how. "Do you wanna come over for dinner sometime? We could catch up."

Cody freezes. He looks like a deer in headlights, his eyes wide and panicked. Noel rushes to comfort him.

"You don't have to. We can go our separate ways, but I do miss you, man." Noel let the last part slip from his lips, it felt wrong to mention it but it was the truth. Cody deserved to hear the truth.

Cody stares at the table in front of him and eventually nods slowly. "Yeah. I... miss you, too."

Noel smiles. "How about tomorrow at mine"

"What time?"

"7?"

"I'll be there."

"Cool. I'll text you my address, unless your number changed?"

"Nah. Same number."

"Okay, see you then." Noel stands and slides out of the booth with his laptop beneath his arm. He looks back at Cody one last time before he leaves with an awkward smile.

He gets home later that night. He had been putting off sending Cody his address. It had been all Noel thought about. He was excited to see Cody again. He was excited to hang out like they used to, but it was also terrifying. Cody reminded him of everything he had left behind at the church. Even though they had both been excommunicated it was clear that Cody was still clinging to his faith.

Noel wouldn't fault him for that. It was hard having everything ripped away from you, and faith helped with that. But Mormonism? It was... too much.

They had been raised on the idea that their thoughts were to be judged in front of everyone once they died. They were controlled by the church and the more time Noel spent outside of it the more he learned that. 

Noel hoped Cody would see that soon.

He hoped that Cody would realize that their feelings had been human and plenty of people felt the same way.

_hey its noel_


	5. Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cody finally breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> didnt feel like coming up with a real summary LMAOOO anyway im done with this fic now so thats cool  
we got one more chapter and then i did a really lazy epilogue that i cant add onto too much? it was just supposed to be a quick thing anyway  
might fuck around and post all the chapters tonight  
we'll see!

Cody hadn't stopped thinking about seeing Noel again. It was terrifying, but there was something comforting about him. His eyes had been kind and welcoming. His demeanor friendly and reassuring. 

Noel had changed. He was open and _happier_.

And Cody was jealous.

His leaving the church had only caused more pain. He missed his family. His children especially. Whenever he visited they almost seemed... afraid. 

Noel had nothing to lose when he left, and it seemed that leaving only caused him to gain. Which made no sense to Cody. Noel had defied God's will but got off with no consequences, or so it seemed. But Cody? He had done the same thing and he lost everything.

Was it because he didn't pay tithing that one time when he was young? Did tithing really matter that much that far back? 

It seemed so stupid to consider something so small to have been his downfall, but Cody was looking for anything to blame. He was tired of blaming himself.

He knew it was his fault. He had _cheated_ on his wife with a _man_. He had committed two grave sins and he blamed himself. It was his fault, but he was growing tired of it. He needed something else to share the weight of the sins with. Anything to make life at least a bit easier.

Noel was at fault too. He had pulled Cody toward sin with his beautiful eyes and soft lips. But Cody wasn't mad at him. He couldn't be. Not anymore. 

He had spent so long trying to be, but something was barring him from doing so. He couldn't place what it was. 

His feelings were so _confusing_. He shoves them aside and rings the doorbell outside Noel's apartment.

Noel opens the door with a smile. "Hey, Cody." He steps off to the side and allows him in.

Cody suddenly felt overdressed. He had worn a button up and khakis, attire he had spent most Sundays in until... You know. Noel on the other hand was just in jeans. He looked comfortable and at ease.

Cody ends up unbuttoning the collar, it had grown harder to breathe the second he stepped inside.

Noel glances at the unbuttoned collar, and then averts his eyes. He leads Cody into the dining room, offering him a seat at the table.

Cody shifts beneath Noel's gaze. It wasn't predatory, but Cody had managed to convince himself that every glance was ill-intentioned. But then he remembered that it was Noel. A man who had been his friend for years, and sure he had changed, but it was still the same man he knew. In more ways than one. He tries his best to suppress suspicion.

Cody pulls a chair out from the table and takes a seat while Noel finishes the final touches on the meal, starting light conversation as he did. Cody felt his shoulders relax once Noel's eyes had been hidden, no longer piercing into his soul.

"What have you been up to recently?"

"Looking for a job."

Noel glances back at Cody for a split second, which causes a brief spark of panic in him despite how quick Noel looked away again. "What happened to your old one?"

"Most..." Cody takes a breath. Cody knew that Noel was just trying to start conversation. An easy harmless conversation, but to talk about anything in Cody's life was instantly off limits. "Most people who work there are Latter-Day Saints. They aren't big fans of me anymore."

Noel cringes. "Sorry." He finishes the meals and brings a plate to Cody, and sets it down in front of him. He opens his mouth to speak again as he sits across from Cody, but ultimately thinks better of it and shuts it again. 

"It's cool. Let's just... talk about something else. What about you? How have you been?"

Noel just for a moment looks up from his plate. "I've been fine." He looks back down at his plate, taking a small bite of the food he had just finished making. 

Cody considers how much he actually wanted to hear about Noel. Did he really want to listen to Noel talk about how much better things had been for him since his excommunication? Cody didn't feel like getting upset about it, but he was a bit bitter. Noel could tell, and that only made Cody feel worse.

He had already considered the feeling. He was divorced, he couldn't see his kids, and he was unemployed and nearly broke. He didn't need to think about it anymore but it was the only thing on his mind. Eating him from the inside out. It was miserable and Cody was tired of it.

He just wanted to be okay.

Like Noel was.

Cody stares at his food as if it were the cause of all this, and Noel looks on uncomfortably. "Are you okay?"

Cody whips his head up to look at him. "How did you get away with it?"

"With...what?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. What _we_ did? My life was destroyed but you're... You're fine! You're perfect! Better than before! Why did God punish only me? We _both_ sinned!"

Noel looks away. He didn't seem surprised by the outburst. "It's been months since we left. You're still hanging on."

"To what?" Cody spits. He was fired up and angrier than ever. He had been holding everything he felt in for so long it was only a matter of time before he blew up. He just wished Noel hadn't been the one to witness the breakdown. Anyone else would have been better.

"To your faith."

"Of course I'm still-- It's all I have! What else can I hang onto?"

"...Look man, I know you're mad at me, but I--"

"What? I'm not..." Cody feels his anger die away. "I'm not mad at you."

Noel didn't seem to believe him. His eyebrow was raised slightly, but other than that his expression stayed level.

"I'm not. I just..." Cody slumps over, with his face in his hands. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad that I have to deal with this stuff. It... I know I deserve it, but it's not fair."

"Cody... Listen to me. I was in love with you. Or... I am. I felt guilty about what we did for so long because that was how we were taught to feel. We were taught to hate our 'sin.' I was in the same place you are. Angry and figuring shit out, but eventually I realized that wasn't right. I realized maybe... They're wrong."

Cody's eyes widen and he stands as if he were to leave. He had been warned about people trying to change him when he was in the church. They had warned him about people who would try to get him to sin, but he wouldn't do it. Even without the church he was stronger than that.

"Hold on." Noel stands, too, trying to block Cody's path to get a few more words in. "I know you might not believe that now but...think about it? And maybe you can see what I see."

Cody feels his heart soften. Noel would never try to hurt him. Not on purpose. But his instincts told him to feign anger and get out as fast as possible. He couldn't stand to sin again. Doubting God's word was the worst of the worst, and Noel had got him thinking.

So he scoffs, and shoves past Noel to leave with a slam of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i definitely should have,,, focused a bit more on the infidelity! hindsight is 20/20 so :/ that was my bad


	6. Don't doubt your doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cody takes some time to get his thoughts in order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another wack ass summary for you  
ps sorry for not posting yesterday i got hella sick so thats fun  
pps imma just post the short epilogue thing today and then ill be done  
this sure was a ride !

_hey man im sorry about pushing you yesterday but my doubts helped me from the same spot you're in and i was just trying to help i didnt mean to push an agenda or whatever_

Cody stares at the text. He doesn't know whether or not he should respond, and in the midst of trying to decide he is interrupted by the typing bubble. A certain dread creeps into Cody's chest as he waits.

And he waits.

And he waits.

Multiple times it disappeared for a moment or two, but it always came back. Cody knew it would come back. He had faith that it would come back.

_bzz bzz!_

Cody blinks, his eyes had gone out of focus from staring so long. 

_maybe doubts can help you too_

Cody expected more than that, and then the bubble appeared again.

_dont doubt them_

The bubble pops up again.

_sorry just think about it? even if you dont we could still be friends_

And again.

_if you wanted_

Then it doesn't.

Cody doesn't have it in him to respond, but he does anyway.

_i need a while first_

He tosses his phone onto his bed and paces. He was terribly worked up now. There was no way he was getting to sleep in this state. He said to himself he wouldn't check for Noel's response, but the moment his phone lit up with the notification he snatches it up.

_take your time ill be here_

Take his time?

Cody hadn't realized that this was the first time he was given time.

At the church it was find a wife _now_. And with his wife it was have sex _now_. "Give me kids now." She demanded.

Noel never demanded anything from him. Even when they had sinned together it was mutual. They had both wanted to.

Cody had almost forgotten that he wanted to.

He had spent so much time convincing himself that he didn't that he started to believe it.

But he did. He really did want to.

He had been head over heels for Noel for years and when the chance to act on the feelings arose the walls he had built came tumbling down. It had been fun in the moment. It had been good. After they were caught things weren't.

The church had ruined everything for them.

What would have happened if they hadn't been caught? Would they still be in the church? Would Cody still be with his wife? Would they be happy?

Cody probably would have stayed. His wife and kids meant a lot, and the church was how he would have stayed with them. But how much longer would he lie to himself? How much of it could he take? He managed it for 7 years. Seven miserable years of taking things way too fast. 

He surely would have broken down at some point. After 7 years he ran to Noel. Could he really handle anymore than 7? Did he want to?

He is suddenly hit with why he did.

Hell.

He didn't want to go to hell.

He had forgotten that factor, if only for a moment. 

Was that even true? Would he really go to hell for not wanting exactly what the church demanded? Did the bible really say all of that?

He couldn't remember. He hadn't spent a whole lot of time delving into scripture on his own time. He spent three hours every Sunday on it, and that was more than enough. But now he didn't spend any time with his nose shoved in the bible.

So he pulls his tattered copy from underneath his coffee table, where it had fell ages ago and had never bothered to pick it up. The rest of his apartment was in a similar state of disarray, and briefly he told himself he would need to clean up. But rather than doing that he starts reading the bible.

Every page. Every verse. Every line.

He reads everything. 

He doesn't even know what he's looking for.

A reason to still believe in the church? A reason to still believe in God? 

The more he looks the less he finds. The less reason he had to believe in the church. All of the things they said about homosexuality didn't seem to matter. God said so many thing about love. It never specified with who.

So why _couldn't_ he have been with Noel?

Love was important wasn't it?

...Did he _love_ Noel?

\---

It had been a week or two since they had dinner. Since Cody stormed out. Since Noel said he still wanted to be friends.

Just friends?

Cody almost hoped not, but there was still a piece of him that hated that he felt anything for Noel. Things would have been so much easier if he didn't.

He still considered the possibility of loving Noel. Which was more than he had ever done for himself.

The guilt and fear of hell still lingered, but after reading what God had to say about love he was comforted. He said love was pure and kind why was his love for a man any different? Why was his love for Noel any different. It was a love like any other. More real than anything he had felt for his wife if he were honest with himself.

He prays God will understand and he picks up his phone to text Noel. 

_hey i thought about the stuff you said_

He gets an instant response.

_yeah? how did it go_

Cody doesn't answer. Not really. 

_can we talk? sometime soon?_

He almost suggested now, but then remembered that it was late on a Sunday night. Noel probably had work the next day. So he didn't bother. Luckily he didn't have to. Noel did it for him.

_yeah im free now, you want me to come over?_

_yeah ill send you my address_

**[Location Sent!]**

_ill be there in 10_

That sent Cody into a panic. He had never cleaned his apartment so quickly. In under 7 minutes his place was spotless and the last three minutes he had to spare were spent pacing. Anxiety gnawed at his chest. His breathing quickens and his doorbell rings.

He pulls it together at the last second and opens the door. "Hi," is all he can manage to say.

Noel smiles and it fills Cody with a familiar warmth he hadn't realized he had missed. "Hey, man."

Cody steps to the side and Noel slides past. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"You probably don't have coffee, do you?" The pair both head into Cody's small kitchen and Noel slips onto the creaky stool that sat at the bar top. He looks at Cody, but he doesn't seem to expect an answer.

"No. Sorry." 

Noel doesn't seem to mind. He just shrugs. "It's pretty good. Starbucks has this one really good drink that I order it all the time now... I didn't come over to talk about coffee. Sorry, man." He laughs. "It is good though... Water would be cool."

Cody busies himself with the request, silently psyching himself up for the conversation he was about to have. He couldn't place why he was so nervous. He was just going to tell Noel that he had decided he was right. Maybe thank him for helping him feel better about...the way they were. He hadn't decided completely what he would say. "Ice?"

"Sure."

Cody thanks Noel silently for the extra time to think, even if it was only a minute or so more. The ice clinks against the glass as he slides over to Noel, who thanks Cody with a nod.

Cody takes a breath, squirming as Noel takes a slow sip. He suddenly had no desire to start the conversation, so he stalls. Simply by messing around with the dishes he had thrown in his sink. To his displeasure, Noel starts it for him.

"You said you thought about it?"

"I read every verse in the bible. I prayed. Thinking was just the half of it."

Noel runs his finger over the rim of the glass absentmindedly. "And?"

"I think you're right. It was... hard to consider, but... Maybe they were wrong. I don't..." Cody tries to find the words. He wanted to explain why he changed his mind but the reason wasn't coming to him. Not coherently at least. So he spits out the first string of words his mind provides. "'Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.'"

"Peter 4:8." Noel smiles. "I like that one."

"Yeah." A smile makes it's way onto Cody's lips. "The point is you're right. Feeling the way we do is okay."

Noel smiles, "We?"

"What?"

"You said 'feel the way we do.' What do you mean?" Noel already knew, it was clear, but hearing the words aloud was everything he ever wanted.

Cody hadn't realized what he had implied. His face heats up and he turns away. "Oh. I..."

"It's okay."

Cody looks back up.

"You don't have to say it. It's hard starting out, but I'll be here. Whenever you're ready."

Cody manages a small smile. "Thanks, man."

"No problem."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 95% of this takes place on sunday  
its about ! the symbolism :rolling_eyes:


	7. Can I tell you something?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a while, it all works out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couldve left it at the last chapter but im a soft bitch !!!! its super short and borderline pointless to have but this last bit is pretty much just for me  
actually anything i write is just for me  
i AM my own biggest fan and that is the way it should be

Noel kept his word. He was there for Cody through everything.

Every doubt or fear that resurfaced Noel was there to lead Cody through it. He knew how hard it was, he had experienced it after all. By himself. He would never wish that experience on anybody, but plenty of people had to go through it that way. He made certain that Cody wouldn't.

After a while they moved in together, their proximity bringing them close. Closer than they ever were. Even before... everything.

Cody liked that. He liked being able to hold Noel's hand. He liked being able to rub Noel's back after a long day work. He liked hugging Noel whenever he wanted.

He loved all of the small things he could do now. Without shame.

He still missed his kids, but going home to Noel always made things at least a little bit better. Not being alone made things better.

They went on like this for months. Cody slowly gained the confidence to try new things. Like coffee or beer. He also slowly became more comfortable with affection, from Noel especially. 

They watch movies together every Sunday. Sort of like an unspoken date night. They always press their legs together as if they were joined by the hip and couldn't be separated.

Tonight's movie was the last thing on Cody's mind. He has something he wants to say.

"Hey, Noel?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah."

"I..." He puts his head on Noel's shoulder and holds Noel's hand. "I love you."

Cody can't see Noel's face, but he knows he's smiling. It had taken a while, but Noel was glad to finally hear the words. They did it. After months of trying to get their fucked up lives back together they finally could say it. And it was everything Noel had hoped for. "I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading if u got this far u3u! id die for u


End file.
